No. Nope. No means. Not gonna do it.
These aren’t the sounds of a defiant little one. They’re the phrases you need to be saying to a few of parenting’s hottest — but most ineffective — methods.
As a positive parenting expert and educator, I’ve put collectively this roundup of my prime 5 “never-dos.” These are the well-meaning however not-super-helpful parenting methods I’ve labored to keep away from in my dwelling, and that I counsel different dad and mom to keep away from as properly. After all, no one’s excellent, however in case you can maintain these to a minimal, you’ll be higher off in the long term.
1. By no means pay for chores.
Wouldn’t it’s nice in case you bought paid for folding laundry or cooking a terrific meal? That’s the dream world your youngsters reside in while you pay them to finish chores or pitch in — and it’s harming their work ethic as a substitute of serving to it.
Daniel Pink, writer of “Drive: The Stunning Fact About What Motivates Us,” argues that below the sort of system, youngsters develop up considering that the solely cause to finish a less-than-desirable job is for a reward.
The payout turns into an exterior motivator, when actually we need to develop inside motivation in our youngsters stemming from a way of goodwill, duty and perseverance.
What’s extra, youngsters are extra keen to pitch in in the event that they see chores as teamwork, and a useful contribution to the household, not a transaction.
Plus, there’s inherently a slippery slope — what occurs if a job is poorly or solely half achieved, or if the kid calls for extra subsequent time? Cost creates a system of entitlement that you simply don’t need in your house.
2. By no means put youngsters in time-out.
This can be a standard parenting approach, however that doesn’t imply it’s efficient. Right here’s why: The objective of any self-discipline approach must be coaching for higher habits whereas preserving a powerful emotional attachment between guardian and little one.
Merely placing youngsters in a nook or on the naughty chair does nothing to right the issue. As an alternative, it erodes a way of connection and creates an influence battle that may result in anger and exhaustion because the guardian tries to bodily maintain a toddler in time-out.
A time-out additionally teaches youngsters to suppose, “I have to actually be dangerous.” When youngsters really feel that they’re a “dangerous” little one, they’ll act on that label as a substitute of studying higher habits.
Children truly study finest once they preserve a safe emotional reference to a guardian. When a toddler is misbehaving, it’s rather more efficient to be current within the second, to assist them calm their physique and feelings, and train them the proper habits to make use of sooner or later.
3. By no means label youngsters.
All of us suppose them — the good one, the good helper, the troublemaker. Imagine it or not, although, even constructive labels are discouraging: They arrange a comparability and competitors between youngsters.
After we label one little one as “the athletic one,” everybody else sees themselves as not very athletic. After we all the time ask our “helper” to pitch in, we rob our different youngsters of the chance to change into higher at serving to and get the increase of confidence that comes from being wanted.
Labels additionally pigeonhole youngsters into one class or one other. Somebody labeled “our picky eater” might simply really feel discouraged from attempting new meals as a result of that’s apparently not them, and the “musical child” may really feel like they’ve to stay within the band relatively than attempting out for the group.
Lastly, labels take the emphasis off of issues like onerous work, dedication and teamwork that really produce the constructive consequence (incomes a very good grade, scoring objectives, and many others.) within the first place.
4. By no means drive youngsters to scrub their plate earlier than consuming dessert.
Sweets must be loved identical to some other meals — voluntarily.
That’s as a result of any kind of coerced feeding — whether or not that’s utilizing bargaining, punishment, or some other methodology — is grounds for a mealtime energy battle that advantages nobody. It takes the main focus off fostering healthy eating habits and as a substitute creates stress between guardian and little one.
It additionally units dessert up because the “reward” for consuming the “less-desirable” meals, like vegetables — not precisely the mindset we would like our youngsters to develop up with.
5. By no means spank.
Many dad and mom resort to spanking as a final resort or with the mistaken objective of instructing an vital lesson, however analysis has proven that even essentially the most well-intentioned swats can increase ranges of aggression, encourage mendacity to keep away from punishment, and erode the parent-child relationship.
Whereas spanking might generally cease the misbehavior within the second, the kid is pitted in opposition to the guardian. They’re in “battle or flight” mode, and positively not open to studying constructive behaviors for subsequent time.
6. Final however not least …
The sixth “never-do”? By no means be too hard on yourself. Nobody’s excellent, however making a acutely aware effort to keep away from these unhelpful methods will go a good distance towards elevating the amazingly imperfect youngsters you’re keen on a lot. And that’s one thing you can do.
TODAY Dad and mom contributor Amy McCready is the founding father of Positive Parenting Solutions. Take a look at her free parenting class for much more methods to get youngsters to pay attention with out yelling, nagging or shedding management.
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